Should a modern woman still want an engagement ring?

The issue recently caught my attention while shooting my second short film. My protagonist ‘Thomas’ is engaged to be married, so naturally I was searching for a subtle way to illustrate his marital commitment (I hate it when films are too explicit). Unfortunately, I kept coming across the same thought: this would be so easy if he were a woman! All it would take is a brief shot of the hand and audiences are in the know. But for a man? This proved somewhat more challenging.

My solution in the end to embed a comment about their honeymoon in a conversation with his fiancé, remains even too subtle for me. Either way, the conundrum drew my attention to the unequal nature of the engagement ring, and made me wonder : should a modern woman still expect one?

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not against marriage, nor physically manifesting this commitment of love through a ring. On the contrary, as a general fan of cultural rituals, I always found the marriage ring to be a rather handy one: it’s a clear pointer if your scanning the room for singles, while offering those wishing to communicate their commitment a discreet way to do so with a simple flash of the hand. Of course, marriage rings are — as one would expect — worn by both partners. So then why is the engagement ring exclusive to women?

In my brief scan of the internet, I found the responses to my question rather meager. For while the tradition of the wedding ring seems to be traceable back to the Romans, and some even claim ancient Egypt, it seems unclear when exactly the concept of the engagement ring was introduced. What does seem fairly straight forward is however the fact that the diamond ring was largely popularised by an ad campaign in the 1950’s of the south African diamond cartel in DeBeers. The slogan‘ a diamond is forever’, written by copywriter Frances Gerety, successfully convinced Americans (the tradition has spread by now but nowhere as prominent as here) that a man could only possibly be serious if got down on one knee and whipped out a diamond that makes you squeal.

But although its origins may be unclear, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the engagements rings possessive and territorial connotation, as well as its inexplicit function as marker of the husbands economic status, and indeed an excellent way for him to foreshadow the financial stability he will offer his future wife. And while today women are no longer considered property nor expected to be financially dependent (at least in most cultures), it still may be time to think about what an engagement ring signals: that as a female, once you say yes you’re out of the game, while a man can still roam free until the day he says ‘i do’ ?

More problematic may be the emphasis on the ‘rock’ itself. Not only has the diamond industry remained corrupt and artificially priced, but the pressure I see put on men, especially Americans, to prove their love by “giving her a rock” feels slightly off in time where we are striving for equal pay. Ladies, should a man’s love for us be judged by the size of his paycheck? I’d hope that whoever I choose can be trusted by his words and actions, and not by the size of his — rock. (Almost got you there didn’t I ;)

This said, if my boyfriend went down on his knee with a beautiful diamond ring, i can’t say that I wouldn’t succumb to this romantic tradition. Most likely I’d be thrilled, want to take pictures and make a facebook spectacle of it like everyone else. For truth be told, I still enjoy when men hold the door, and I have found myself left unimpressed when a guy didn’t even OFFER to treat me to a coffee on our first date.

It brings us back to the usual dilemma surrounding traditions like these. Does being respected and treated as equal mean we must let go of all cultural rituals related to gender and romance as well? Is this a matter of principle or might we be throwing out the baby with the bathwater ?

My (male) friends in The Netherlands always said that I can’t have my cake and eat it too, but I’m not sure it’s that simple. After all, rituals and identity are an important part of our lives, and despite them sometimes feeling restrictive or creating unwanted pressures, I can’t help but see their value in maintaining stability, and indeed giving individuals — like the many men and women celebrating their I-do moment — authentic moments of joy.

Nevertheless, deep down I am aware of the power of such rituals and the inexplicit and subtle ways they reproduce the norms that we have fought (or are still fighting) to overcome. And this might mean that one day, the engagement ring may have to go, be worn by men too, or at the very least that we should take a critical glance at the words once so wisely uttered by Béyonce, ‘if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it’.